10. Roberto Garza- Subway Sandwiches
Garza is huge. He is like three Jareds. Robby could single-handedly boost sales every time he walked into his local sandwich shop by ordering the usual; 14 foot-longs.
9. Jerry Angelo- Legal Helpers Bankruptcy
Jerry is so stingy that you would never picture him ever having to type the word “bankruptcy” into his Google search. In recent years he has made Lovie demand a new contract before last season, make Briggs proclaim he will never play in a Bears' uniform again and most recently, make the face of the city, Urlacher, upset because he wants money. I wouldn’t normally say this but just pay him Angelo.
8. Robbie Gould- American Gladiators
You can’t not like Robbie, somebody who has to be a total ladies man. But Rob didn’t get the girls because of his physique. If I got to play him one-on-one in “powerball,” it wouldn’t be close. I would own him. My little sister would own him. Running out in that little red, white and blue spandex suit would be quite a thrill for our new gladiator friend “Gouldylocks.”
7.Brian Urlacher- Trojan Condoms
There are little Brian’s everywhere. I don’t really have any more to say about this, other than he is epitome of womanizer. He makes our fellow writer Zach Martin appear as if he has never made it to first base. Brian Urlacher would be a terrible promoter for Trojan Condoms.
6. Pat McCaskey-American Idol
This is a relatively new joke lingering in the city of Chicago, but when owner Pat McCaskey sang his own rendition of “Edelweiss” to Urlacher, it might have hit a new management low. I almost sent a text message to Fox in hopes of voting him off the show.
5. Lovie Smith- Anger Management Courses
I am not going to lie, Lovie’s kinda lame. Every week we see guys like Belichick, Shanahan and whoever coaches the Raiders screaming their heads off, going nuts and looking remotely intense. Even Bob Babich screams more than he does, but then again, if I ran a defense like he did, I would be going crazy too.
4. Greg Olsen- Male Enhancement
About a year ago, the city got wind of a song created by G-reg and many others that will forever make Olsen a part of ultimate man folklore. While I will not explain what he says about his male part in his rap with “The Seventh Floor Crew,” I would hope some of you get the picture. Olsen does have music talent though, and would surely beat out McCaskey if the two ever went head-to-head in a Disney Star Search.
3. Kyle Orton- O’Doul’s
This kid can’t stay away from the bottle, so why would he advertise for a non-alcoholic beer. While rumor has it his partying has remotely decreased, it wouldn’t cross my mind if he already drinks the “O” to cure a morning hangover.
2. Lance Briggs- Progressive Auto Insurance
See Briggs’ car. See Briggs crash car. See brings flee the scene of his $200,000 Lamborghini, which is now totaled. Ya, not one of the brighter things he has ever done. While no charges were filed, I am sure the first concern was “Oh god, I should have gone with the gecko.”
1. Cedric Benson- Nike Quick
The of Nike’s new commercials begins with a scratchy voice singing “I want my money back,” which would make it incredibly ironic to put Benson in that ad because that’s how the organization is feeling at the moment. Also in the commercial, LT explains that his quick is like french toast. I haven’t the slightest clue what that means but I do know that Benson’s quick would also smell like french toast; if the ingredients to make it included rotten eggs, moldy bread, spoiled milk and a rusty pan. At least his better is better than Garrett Wolfe's better.
Photos Courtesy of:http://www.momentumsportsgroup.com/garza-bears2.jpg, http://www.chicagobusiness.com/cgi-bin/article.pl?article_id=26924http://www.mascsa.psu.edu/SAAB/thon05/thon05pawprint.htm, http://www.enterprisecharters.com/gallery.htm, http://www.chicagobears.com/news/NewsStory.asp?story_id=2974, http://blogs.chron.com/nfl/2007/02/another_grossman_interception_1.html, http://www.rapclicks.com/Blog/?cat=7, http://www.extremeskins.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1686570, http://arlingtoncardinal.blogharbor.com/blog/NewsFlash/CrashVideo,http://mybearsandblackhawksblog.wordpress.com/2007/08/
3 comments:
Thanks for the shoutout Barnes... I would just like to say that my womanizing is purely recreational while, Urlacher has made it a second profession. He may want to consider quitting his day job.
Dubs it out!
I think that Pat McCaskey serenade of Brian Urlacher solidified that entire family's place as the most insane and eccentric clan in the Midwest.
Nice shit Phil. The Pat McCaskey singing was frigin brutal, and he sang for G-Reg too, didn't he? The Orton one is sweet too, but the picture of him soaked in Jack Daniels looking sloppy as hell is the best picture, would have liked to see that again.
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