With the newest James Bond movie, “Quantum of Solace”, released last Friday, I, like many other 007 fans, am excited to see all the new gadgets, stunts and of course, girls. But one of the best parts about Bond movies are the villains. Characters like Oddjob and Jaws have become film icons for their evilness, and seeing how the movie’s writers have them attempt to take over the world is always fun. But which Chicago sports figures would have a good chance of attempting world domination and while trying to kill England’s most famous secret agent?
(Ed note: Bond movies? Meh. But Golden Eye for N64? Siiiiiick.)
10- Rashaan Salaam
How he’d take over the world: The former Bears running back would be in charge of transporting some important medicine from one group of doctors to another. But just before he got to the laboratory, Salaam would drop and break the jar, causing widespread disease that for some reason only the ’94 Heisman winner would survive.
9- Jay Williams
How he’d take over the world: After convincing several world leaders to have a meeting based on his amazing performance in college, Williams would crash their limos into a street light, then take control of every country on Earth. He would then continually promise to give back the power, but he never would actually do it.
8- Albert Belle and Sammy Sosa
How they’d take over the world: After teaming up to form the Corked Crew, the two former Chicago outfielders will go around smashing people in the head with their illegal bats. Some advice for Bond: turn of Sammy’s boom box and he won’t be able to function for weeks.
7- Terry Shea
How he’d take over the world: The former Bears offensive coordinator would hypnotize Americans by calling nothing but wide receiver screens and running back draws for 16 consecutive games. Then while we all are asleep, Shea would take control of the country along with his assistant, Mr. Jonathan Quinn.
How he’d take over the world: As a result of Harrelson’s constant yelling and nonsensical comments, everybody who tunes into a Sox game will go deaf and lose about 50 IQ points. Our suddenly stupid and hard of hearing city then will be taken over by the announcer, who will randomly chose citizens to kill, known as his Picks to Click. And after the murder is done, Hawk will yell, “HE GONE!”
5- Antonio Alfonseca
How he’d take over the world: After creating a military of six-fingered, 400-pound mutants, Alfonseca’s Army would break into the Pentagon and force our government to start attacking other nation’s with the force of an Alfonseca chest bump.
4- Dennis Rodman
How he’d take over the world: I’m not exactly sure how The Worm would gain world, domination but the end-of-the-movie fight with he and Bond would be ten times better than “Double Team”. 007 would be trying to take down the former Bulls forward, while Rodman would be kicking Bond’s precious testicles and head-butting him all while figuring out what color to dye his hair next week.
3- Charlie Weis
How he’d take over the world: By eating too much himself while starving others, the Notre Dame coach would gain control of the countries biggest food companies and decide to only feed people who promise not to make fun of Jimmy Clausen’s haircut. (Or Weis’ record in big games)
2- AJ Pierzynski
How he’d take over the world: Known for getting under the skin of opponents, the White Sox catcher would actually create a formula to achieve that saying. He then would use his power to get into the body of world leaders and make them all as big of a douche-bag as AJ is.
1-Moises Alou
How he’d take over the world: After shaking Alou’s hand, the head of the World Bank will get sick and cause everybody but the former Cubs left-fielder to go broke. Or should I say, we’d all be piss-poor.
3 comments:
You sure that Cedric Benson's plot in which he is appointed to a very important position, but instead of doing his job well he instead uses his time off to drive boats into things doesn't make the cut? Or perhaps you forgot the terrorist reign of Tim Floyd?
Eli, solid list. Thanks for filling in.
No Zambrano, Ditka or Butkus? Maybe next time.
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