I’ve wanted to do this list for quite some time, and what better time than right now, coming off what Zach Martin termed “one of the lamest Chicago sports weekends in recent memory.” So, with apologies to Derrek Lee/Chris Young and Robin Ventura/Nolan Ryan, here are ten memorable Chicago fights that I’d pay good money to see a rematch of.
10. Tigers vs. White Sox (2000)
A day when Jim Parque became the most popular guy on the South Side. What player took the worst of it? Definitely Keith Foulke, who left so bloody you would have thought he just went a few rounds with Anderson Silva.
Rematch winner: Detroit. Look at some of the bad dudes they had; Juan Gonzalez, Tony Clark, Dean Palmer (the guy who charged Parque), Bobby Higginson, Jeff Weaver and the immortal Robert Fick. The Sox could have countered with Frank Thomas, Carlos Lee, and Jose Valentin, but that’s about it.
9. Olin Kreutz vs. Fred Miller (2005)
Was anyone really surprised that a liquored-up Kreutz broke Miller’s jaw? I mean, talk about a mismatch. Despite Miller having five inches and about 25 pounds on Kreutz, if they fought 100 more times, Kreutz would win 100 times. Maybe Kreutz even had an ulterior motive; try to knock Miller out for a while so the Bears could start a real offensive tackle.
Rematch winner: Kreutz, only the next time he might leave Miller in a coma.
8. Jo Jo English vs. Derek Harper (1994)
I can just imagine the conversation minutes before English and Harper’s fight spilled into the stands right in front of David Stern. Phil Jackson: “Okay Jo Jo, Harper’s their starting point guard, and you average only one point a game. Jo Jo: “So coach, you want me to try and get us both ejected and maybe then suspended for the next couple playoff games?” Jackson: “Yes, that sounds good, thanks for taking one for the team.” Jo Jo: “No problem, at least after my 50 games in the NBA, I’ll be remembered for something kind of cool.” Scottie Pippen: “Wait, while we’re at it, why don’t we do the same thing and sacrifice Will Perdue for Patrick Ewing?”
Rematch winner: Honestly, who cares?
7. Dodgers vs. Cubs fans (2000)
Eight years later, I’ve come to this conclusion: The Cubs fan who started this whole thing by hitting Dodgers bullpen catcher Chad Kreuter and then stealing his hat was one of these four guys; Steve Bartman, Ronnie “Woo Woo”, Bill Murray dressed in a disguise, or the same guy who tried to attack Randy Myers with a knife years earlier.
Rematch winner: Dodgers, although don’t underestimate a bunch of drunk, angry Cubs fans.
6. Brad Miller vs. Shaq (2002)
Hey Shaq, how about picking on someone your own size? Oh wait. Well at least he could have squared off with then Bulls rookie Eddy Curry, which would have been pretty cool. By the way, if the Diesel had connected on his first swing, John Feinstein could have written a sequel to “The Punch.” and called it “The Night When Shaq Got Charged with Manslaughter.”
Rematch winner: Uhh Shaq. No questions asked.
5. Ozzie vs. Jay Mariotti/Mike North (2006 and 2007)
Okay, not physical encounters, but think about the possibilities. Ozzie’s the one with the last laugh though. Out of the three, he’s the only one that still has a job (shouting on “Around the Horn” for a few minutes each day doesn’t count).
Rematch winner: Ozzie would absolutely destroy both of them. I mean, destroy.
4. Michael Barrett vs. A.J. (2006)
It’s pretty amazing how any opposing player could ever get mad at A.J. over anything. There might not be a kinder, more easy going, and charming professional athlete than Pierzynski. So why did Barrett overreact big time? Easy. He wanted to get suspended 10 games so he could take a break from catching for Rich Hill, Glendon Rusch, Sean Marshall, and Angel Guzman.
Rematch winner: The toughest call of any of these. Give Barrett a slight edge, but only because A.J. is getting a little pudgy in the mid-section.
3. Michael Jordan vs. Steve Kerr (1996)
In preseason camp that year, Michael, still frustrated with losing to Orlando in the playoffs the previous year, turned into the bully who steals the little kid’s lunch money. Here’s a piece of an old Sports Illustrated article written by Michael Silver: “Kerr, who hadn't been in a fight since elementary school, took a hard shove from His Airness and suddenly started swinging. "I knew I had two choices," Kerr says. "Either let it go and be obedient to Michael forever, or fight and probably get my ass kicked. I picked a real winner for my adult fighting debut." The result? Kerr wound up with a black eye, but also MJ’s respect.
Rematch winner: Michael, even if Randy Brown and Dickey Simpkins joined Kerr to make it three on one.
2. Kyle Farnsworth vs. Paul Wilson (2003)
Yeah, Paul, not a good idea. Farnsworth may have had a smaller IQ than Ricky Williams and partied harder than Chris Duhon, but man, he had a mean right hook. Besides, Wilson should have known better, pitchers don’t charge the mound. Ever.
Rematch winner: Wilson. I’m kidding of course.
1. Michael Barrett vs. Carlos Zambrano (2007)
This might all have been part of Lou Piniella’s brilliant plan. With the Cubs struggling, Piniella maybe told Barrett and Big Z to start going at it in the dugout in order to take attention away from the team’s bad play on the field. And who knows, maybe there was no round two in the clubhouse. Barrett very easily could have gotten that busted lip lots of other ways.
Rematch winner: I gave Barrett the benefit of the doubt against A.J., but no way he stands a chance against Z.
10. Tigers vs. White Sox (2000)
A day when Jim Parque became the most popular guy on the South Side. What player took the worst of it? Definitely Keith Foulke, who left so bloody you would have thought he just went a few rounds with Anderson Silva.Rematch winner: Detroit. Look at some of the bad dudes they had; Juan Gonzalez, Tony Clark, Dean Palmer (the guy who charged Parque), Bobby Higginson, Jeff Weaver and the immortal Robert Fick. The Sox could have countered with Frank Thomas, Carlos Lee, and Jose Valentin, but that’s about it.
9. Olin Kreutz vs. Fred Miller (2005)
Was anyone really surprised that a liquored-up Kreutz broke Miller’s jaw? I mean, talk about a mismatch. Despite Miller having five inches and about 25 pounds on Kreutz, if they fought 100 more times, Kreutz would win 100 times. Maybe Kreutz even had an ulterior motive; try to knock Miller out for a while so the Bears could start a real offensive tackle.Rematch winner: Kreutz, only the next time he might leave Miller in a coma.
8. Jo Jo English vs. Derek Harper (1994)
I can just imagine the conversation minutes before English and Harper’s fight spilled into the stands right in front of David Stern. Phil Jackson: “Okay Jo Jo, Harper’s their starting point guard, and you average only one point a game. Jo Jo: “So coach, you want me to try and get us both ejected and maybe then suspended for the next couple playoff games?” Jackson: “Yes, that sounds good, thanks for taking one for the team.” Jo Jo: “No problem, at least after my 50 games in the NBA, I’ll be remembered for something kind of cool.” Scottie Pippen: “Wait, while we’re at it, why don’t we do the same thing and sacrifice Will Perdue for Patrick Ewing?”Rematch winner: Honestly, who cares?
7. Dodgers vs. Cubs fans (2000)
Eight years later, I’ve come to this conclusion: The Cubs fan who started this whole thing by hitting Dodgers bullpen catcher Chad Kreuter and then stealing his hat was one of these four guys; Steve Bartman, Ronnie “Woo Woo”, Bill Murray dressed in a disguise, or the same guy who tried to attack Randy Myers with a knife years earlier.Rematch winner: Dodgers, although don’t underestimate a bunch of drunk, angry Cubs fans.
6. Brad Miller vs. Shaq (2002)
Hey Shaq, how about picking on someone your own size? Oh wait. Well at least he could have squared off with then Bulls rookie Eddy Curry, which would have been pretty cool. By the way, if the Diesel had connected on his first swing, John Feinstein could have written a sequel to “The Punch.” and called it “The Night When Shaq Got Charged with Manslaughter.”Rematch winner: Uhh Shaq. No questions asked.
5. Ozzie vs. Jay Mariotti/Mike North (2006 and 2007)
Okay, not physical encounters, but think about the possibilities. Ozzie’s the one with the last laugh though. Out of the three, he’s the only one that still has a job (shouting on “Around the Horn” for a few minutes each day doesn’t count).Rematch winner: Ozzie would absolutely destroy both of them. I mean, destroy.
4. Michael Barrett vs. A.J. (2006)
It’s pretty amazing how any opposing player could ever get mad at A.J. over anything. There might not be a kinder, more easy going, and charming professional athlete than Pierzynski. So why did Barrett overreact big time? Easy. He wanted to get suspended 10 games so he could take a break from catching for Rich Hill, Glendon Rusch, Sean Marshall, and Angel Guzman.Rematch winner: The toughest call of any of these. Give Barrett a slight edge, but only because A.J. is getting a little pudgy in the mid-section.
3. Michael Jordan vs. Steve Kerr (1996)
In preseason camp that year, Michael, still frustrated with losing to Orlando in the playoffs the previous year, turned into the bully who steals the little kid’s lunch money. Here’s a piece of an old Sports Illustrated article written by Michael Silver: “Kerr, who hadn't been in a fight since elementary school, took a hard shove from His Airness and suddenly started swinging. "I knew I had two choices," Kerr says. "Either let it go and be obedient to Michael forever, or fight and probably get my ass kicked. I picked a real winner for my adult fighting debut." The result? Kerr wound up with a black eye, but also MJ’s respect.Rematch winner: Michael, even if Randy Brown and Dickey Simpkins joined Kerr to make it three on one.
2. Kyle Farnsworth vs. Paul Wilson (2003)
Yeah, Paul, not a good idea. Farnsworth may have had a smaller IQ than Ricky Williams and partied harder than Chris Duhon, but man, he had a mean right hook. Besides, Wilson should have known better, pitchers don’t charge the mound. Ever.Rematch winner: Wilson. I’m kidding of course.
1. Michael Barrett vs. Carlos Zambrano (2007)
This might all have been part of Lou Piniella’s brilliant plan. With the Cubs struggling, Piniella maybe told Barrett and Big Z to start going at it in the dugout in order to take attention away from the team’s bad play on the field. And who knows, maybe there was no round two in the clubhouse. Barrett very easily could have gotten that busted lip lots of other ways.Rematch winner: I gave Barrett the benefit of the doubt against A.J., but no way he stands a chance against Z.
6 comments:
Danny Sheridan showing a humorous side??? Nice post, this might honestly be one of your best lists.
1. William Perry vs. moderation
2. Mike Ditka vs. progress
3. Michael Jordan vs. the spread
4. Cubs vs. destiny
5. Ozzie Guillen vs. English
6. Joe Trost vs. deadline
7. Kyle Orton vs. CFCs
8. Will Perdue vs. speed
9. Mark Grace vs. any drunk girl
10. Me vs. humor
I have to agree, definitely one of your best.
And I know you mentioned it in the intro, but how could you not want to see a Nolan Ryan/Robin Ventura rematch?
That was epic!
It gave AARP Members everywhere hope that despite being old and brittle, you could still whoop some whippersnapper ass!
Otherwise, nicely done.
Absolutely hilarious. Wow, Jo Jo English, now that's old school! But come on, Barrett over A.J.? Not a chance. And I agree, seeing Ozzie duke it out with Jay and North would be the highly highly entertaining. Also, I never even realized Kerr and MJ ever went at it, so that was pretty cool.
Funny stuff. I disagree though with a couple things;
Pierzynski over Barrett, Tigers over White Sox (size is overrated), and I think you're not giving enough credit to Brad Miller. Not saying he'd beat down Shaq or anything, but for some reason I think he might be a great street fighter.
anonymous might be right, he did try the corn-rows approach once.
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