Top ten replacements for Jay Mariotti

The resignation of the city’s most engaging sports columnist leaves Chicago searching for answers. Mainly: who’s to take his place? We here at TTCS have some ideas.

10. J Koot

From Quick Hits to hot fans, if there is one thing the Sun-Times’ sports section loves, it’s good looking people. So who better to fill Mariotti’s shoes than the mysterious J Koot, patriarch of Busted Coverage? Koot has been at the forefront of sports blog T&A for over a year. What else do you need to know?

9. Carlos Quentin

I’m fairly positive the ability to OPS .973 translates to any buissness. The only problem? With a .396 on-base percentage, Quentin is certain to clog the bases at the Sun-Times’ next company softball game.

8. Brian Urlacher

Mariotti once criticized the esteemed Bears linebacker for “acting like a yahoo” when he bypassed the local papers to give Yahoo Sports’ Mike Silver a big scoop. Though he may be entering the decline phase of his career, Urlacher is still Chicago’s biggest sports star. If he continues to avoid the Chicago press, why not give him free reign to speak his mind every day in the newspaper? Surely Urlacher’s columns would be more interesting than the standard one word answers he gives to reporters every Sunday.

7. AJ Daulerio

All Deadspin editors yearn to one day join the mainstream media. This is fact. Plus, if AJ left, there would probably be another roast, which would be totally awesome.

6. Juan Uribe

Just listen to this interview Sun-Times White Sox beat writer Joe Cowley gave to The Score’s Mike Mulligan and Brian Hanley, and try to tell me Uribe wouldn’t make a wildly entertaining columnist. Uribe should also have some time on his hands to churn out copy once Joe Crede returns from the DL.

5. Freddy Church

While growing up in the humble suburb of Minooka, Illinois, Church always dreamed of- well, never mind, I think you guys may have heard that one before. Seriously though, Church may be the only writer in the world who can stir up controversy as easily as Mariotti. That has to count for something.

4. Jason Shimberg

The Sun-Times has a few authors already on staff (Rick Telander, Neil Hayes), but to my knowledge, none are currently working on an autobiography. Jason Shimberg, proprietor of his own celebrated blogspot site, would change all that. But don’t think the Shim Doggy Dog is a one-trick pony, just check out this poem on Barack Obama. The man rhymed Obama with llama. Now that’s what I call creativity! Did we mention also has a sweet bedroom wall? Sign me up.

3. Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot

Behold the city's two wittiest athletes. DeRosa made a name for himself with his blog, The Pulse, which he admitted was named after a recent health scare involving his heart. Not to be outdone, while answering questions from fans, Theriot wrote that he could beat up Mike Fontenot (who couldn’t!), but the two former LSU teammates would probably get mauled by Carlos Zambrano, even in a handicap match.

2. Patrick Z. McGavin

I once heard that newspapers are written at a sixth-grade reading level. If McGavin, a columnist for Your Season, the Sun-Times’ wonderful new high school sports site, was given Mariotti’s daily slot in the paper, what would change very, very quickly. McGavin’s ability to find common ground between Whitney Young basketball and early work of Chaucer sets him apart from any other writer in the city, possibly the world. Ever wonder what Kyle Orton’s last preseason start has to do with metaphysics? Easy PZ is just the guy to help you out.

1. Dale Bowman

Wildlife in the Chicago-area is at an all-time low*. Why? Because Dale Bowman caught all of it. If Bowman can rid our lakes of musky, I’m fairly positive he can handle Ozzie Guillen.

*This may or may not be true.