The NBA Draft is tonight and all of Chicago will be watching intently as the Bulls take the national stage with the first overall pick. With all the rumors and innuendo floating around, I'm more nervous than ever that General Manager John Paxson will somehow find a way to screw things up.
After thinking about it, here are the Top Ten Ways John Paxson Could Screw Up This Draft.
Paxson brings Jerry Krause in for advice and ends up swapping the pick for a pair of seven footers that can’t rebound, defend, shoot, pass or give effort at any time.
I’m thinking Krause is somewhere trying to figure out how to parlay the number one pick, Ben Gordon, Luol Deng and Benny the Bull into a mega deal for Patrick O’Bryant and Kwame Brown.
You're scared because you know he'd pull the trigger in less time than it takes for him to suck down a Krispy Kream donut.While trying to deal with the immense pressure of making the right call, Paxson calls Bull owner Jerry Reinsdorf in for help and he gets down to business negotiating with prospective players’ agents.
By the time he’s made his decision, it’s October and the Bulls are stuck with a foreign born player that’s never played a minute of professional basketball and won’t be ready to join the team until 2016.
Feeling content with the roster he has, Paxson deals the number one pick for a haul of veteran role players resembling P.J. Brown and exclaims he now has all the pieces of the puzzle.
If he could only figure out how to pry Clifford Robinson away from the Trailblazers, this team would be unstoppable….after nap time of course.
As we all know, Paxson missed out big time on landing Kevin Garnett last year. He watched helplessly as Garnett was traded to the Celtics, put alongside Ray Allen and Paul Pierce, absolutely dominate the Eastern Conference and win the NBA Championship.
Not this year.
Pax decides to go for broke and swing a pair of deals that brings Antawn Jamison and Grant Hill to the Bulls. In related news, Bulls trainer Fred Tedeschi receives the biggest raise in NBA history.
Paxson selects Rose and presents him with a custom made Bulls motorcycle that is the fastest street bike ever created. After handing him the keys, Paxson points out a particularly nice area to practice wheelies and tells Rose not to worry because riding a motorcycle is perfectly acceptable to the Bulls and not prohibited by his contract.
5. Mentor = Success
Today Paxson will announce the Bulls have managed to acquire Stephon Marbury in hopes he will be able to mentor the young Derrick Rose.
Marbury already has a lesson plan that includes how to miss an open teammate, chuck up ridiculous three-pointers with 23 seconds left on the shot clock, backstab teammates and how to under mind your coach.
Michael Jordan calls Paxson and reminds him that he would be absolutely nothing without him and demands the first overall pick in exchange for a lifetime supply of Air Jordans and a freight truck filled with Michael Jordan cologne.
Vinny DelNegro calls Paxson today to confess he has absolutely no idea about how to coach a basketball team. Paxson assures him not to worry because he’s been running the Bulls for years and still has no idea what he’s doing.
To prove his point Paxson drafts Anton Ponkrashov from Russia and laughs as fans and reporters have a collective heart attack.
Del Negro feels much better.
Hearing the rumors regarding the Heat’s fondness for O.J. Mayo, Paxson decides to take the USC freshman first overall to block this from happening and is impressed with his shrewd business decision.
For the first time ever, Pat Riley’s hair breaks loose from its decade slumber coated in crazy glue to stand on end before taking Derrick Rose.
John Paxson is confused.
HE DOESN’T TAKE DERRICK ROSE.
There is no joke to be made here. If John Paxson does not select Derrick Rose you will officially be able to buy my services as a fan because I will no longer be supporting this franchise.
Bidding starts at $1.00
5 comments:
No joke, I will never watch another basketball game, and I am talking about pro, college, high school, my little brothers' team, if the Pax doesn't take Rose. Just the idea of Stern stepping up and announcing they took Beasley scares me almost too much to watch.
top notch work today...Plz Pax just do the right thing
This scares me as well. Pax has already screwed up 2 hirings this spring... so he should just go for the trifecta, right? If it isn't Rose, I think I might get arrested for saying lewd things in public in Chicago... and I live in Buffalo Grove thats how loud I'll be swearing!
I haven't paid any attention to the Bulls since Jordan left (both times). But I could be interested again if they took Rose.
Otherwise, I'll just stick with MLB, NFL, NCAA bball and NCAA football...
John, you are in the majority here (Chicagoans who need a reason to like the Bulls) Rose gives every Chicagoan a reason to love the Bulls again...Pax make the Bulls relevant (sic) again...I kind of feel bad for hockey. If Rose will be the death of the Hawks (again)...
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