Top Ten guys I wouldn’t compete against in a five-dog showdown

I will attempt to set the stage for some odd child’s life-long dream. July 4. Noon Eastern. Coney Island, New York. On the “sports” biggest stage. For those still clueless, I am located in the heart of the Major League Eating’s main event; the 2008 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Is this my dream? Absolutely not. I weigh 165 pounds in a Kansas St. basketball program and had to run home from my buddies’ barbecue because my stomach hurt later that day when I ate two franks. Needless to say, if this were my dream, these are ten Chicago athletes I would not have wanted to compete against.

10. Mike Ditka


Courtesy of: http://thebenchwarmer.wordpress.com/

The only guy on this list who would actually yell at you if you weren’t beating him. I’d forfeit for sure. I don’t some guy in “Kicking and Screaming” telling me how to compete.

9. Kyle Orton


Courtesy of: http://journals.aol.com/dcsportsguy/mrirrelevant/entries/2005/12/06/beards-united-kyle-orton-meets-whiskers-kent/2300

Oh god, this is an easy one. All somebody would have to do if they wanted Kyle to win a food-eating contest is to give him his daily regimen of Jack, wait for him to get the munchies and watch him devour his plate of dogs. He could do 20, easy.

8. Juan Uribe


Courtesy of: http://www.weblo.com/domain/available/sunwheels.com/

He has a little bit of unsuspecting girth for a middle-infielder. He has baby fat and he is in his 30’s. It doesn’t help that the dugouts and clubhouses have all that food and he won’t be playing regularly everyday anytime soon. Some may have a problem with that, but not Juan.

7. Robbie Gould


Courtesy of: http://www.wbbm780.com/pages/617662.php

Didn’t expect to see a skinny guy on the list? While doing comparisons of Kobayashi to the rest of the Second City athletes, RG was the closest (other than Alexei Ramirez.) Therefore he has to have some chance.

6. Daryl Ward


Courtesy of: http://www.daylife.com/photo/087tduX0dO38i

He has the build of a first-baseman from the 80’s. He is the only guy in baseball who can run around the bases 15 times and not burn enough calories to cancel out his brunch.

5. Michael Sweetney


Courtesy of: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/basketball/nba/players/3712/

People like to associate fat people as those who can eat a lot. Mike Sweetney fits right into that stereotype. When he used to play the obese population must have been jealous that one of their own kind got into the league. Honestly, what did he bring to the table for the Bulls... Other than a fork and a knife?

4. Keith Traylor


Courtesy of: http://www.jamd.com/search?assettype=g&assetid=336661&text=Keith+Traylor

Insert fumble return joke here. Ok I’ll take a stab. In the time it took him to run that ball from mid-field he probably could have eaten a hot dog for every yard he ran, and that includes his walk to the sideline.

3. Bo Jackson


Courtesy of: http://www.mentalfloss.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/bo-kitchen.jpg

Bo knows baseball. Bo knows football. Bo knows eating. Jackson is unbelievably fit and would actually call him a front-runner if there were an “All-Chicago Eat-off.” He is a cook, so that has to count for something.

2. Eddy Curry


Courtesy of: http://joshdrimmer.blogspot.com/2006_11_01_archive.html

I've had two friends run into Eddy Curry at different times while he was a member of the Bulls. Both times he made a negative comment about Chris Duhon while eating at a McDonalds. If two of my friends saw him at McDonalds in the only two “I ran into Eddy Curry” stories I know, then how often was he there?

1. William “The Fridge” Perry


Courtesy of: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2054356

He really did try to compete in some eating competition and I do not know how he fared, but the nickname “The Fridge” didn’t come from his ability to eat carrots and celery.