Top Ten current events catch-up

There are some odd things going on in the city right now that are driving me nuts, and to keep it short, these are a few names and groups that are making it that way.

10. Fukudome-



Being a Sox fan I wanted him so bad. While I feel the Cubs overpaid for him, if the Sox would have offered him that, I would have felt it was the right price. But the fact that his hitting numbers are pretty solid is what is bothering me. He is consistent. Those words don’t exist when it comes to hitting on the South Side. I would do anything to have gone to a Sox game and yell “Fuk-you-do-me” with my headband on. Regardless, move over Ichiro, Phil has a new favorite Japanese import.

9. Patrick Kane-



Has he actually done anything wrong? Of course not, he is the squeaky-clean PK. If anybody has any dirt of any kind on Kane let me know. Seriously, I can’t picture this guy doing anything wrong, so I am going to try to give him some rookie-of-the-year hazing.

8. 1st pick draft talk-



Where did it go? ESPN’s Chad Ford can’t update his picks quicker, but I need to know who the Bulls are going to take. Will the pick make me more or less of a fan? No, I still won’t watch a full game. But knowing that I can rely on watching Gods gift to Chicago, Derrick Rose, tear up defenses quicker than Reinsdorf tore apart the dynasty, it may be worth watching one half a week.


7. The Cubs-



This is getting too nerve-racking for Northsiders. They actually look good, very good, and have not showed any signs of letup the entire season. Piniella nor Zambrano have lost their cool entirely yet (weaaaaak), the pitching is unreal, the hitting even better. Dumpster has morphed into Dempster, one of the most efficient pitchers in the league at the moment. My only knack on them is that Soriano is out. But it won’t hurt them, because they are just… too… lovable.

6. Ozzie Guillen-



Maybe a more appropriate title for this topic should be “Kenny Williams,” but Oz has officially sealed the deal and is the manager of the White Sox until he simply does not want to do it anymore. Who else can he verbally attack that could be more costly to his occupation than Williams? Two weeks ago Williams took the red pill, and now he can’t look back.

5. Jerry Angelo-



Typically general managers like to make the fans happy. Well Angelo didn’t get the memo. Making Robbie Gould the richest kicker in football does not cancel out for the fact that the icon of the city, Brian Urlacher, is unhappy. There is cap room, use it. Give him what he wants and spend the rest on obtaining Shaun Alexander, who in my eyes believes is not anywhere near done. Or let your prized possession Forte get clobbered as the only real back on the team who will be running behind an “aged to imperfection” O-line. While the first makes more sense, Angelo will probably keep his cents and stick with Forte and only Forte.

4. White Sox hitting-



Sox fans, this is an absolute disgrace. Konerko, Thome and Swisher all have averages lower than Benson’s BAC level (Uribe’s might ACTUALLY be lower, more on that in a minute.) There is no presence at the top of the order to speak of. And to everybody’s biggest fear, Carlos Quentin is human. I think my Grandpa said it best; “You know you’re in trouble when you’re excited to see Brian Anderson in the lineup.” I would just like to add to that statement by saying Brian Anderson absolutely sucks. Don’t look now but the Tigers have reeled off six straight. They will catch Chicago by month’s end and people can put to sleep this ridiculous idea of a Redline series.

3. Jerry Reinsdorf-



Tried to put the “D” in D’Antoni, but Mike was not having it. Instead Mike listened to Knicks GM Donnie Walsh who had this uncanny and rather genius idea to put the “D” in “dollar.” 24 million of them. Instead JR settles on a guy who at least has an Italian name, whose coaching experience could be dated back to last season’s 8U- YMCA league. He probably couldn’t relate to those guys either. (I do not know if Del Negro even has a son, I don’t care to fact check, much like JR doesn’t care to win Bulls games.)

2. John Paxson-



With the obvious link between him and Reinsdorf, I cannot figure out who is worse of the two. I am going to go with Paxson right now though only because when you fire a guy, typically you have an idea as to what you want to replace him with. Paxson didn’t. Because the Bulls still owe Skiles way too much money, Reinsdorf feels the need to be stingy and take half the talent coaching-wise for half the price. Uh, can we just turn back the clock to Christmas and undo the Skiles firing?

1. Cedric Benson-



As if we haven’t humiliated him enough on this site, there is something that Benson did last month which has not been discussed enough. Never mind the DUI which is completely inexcusable for the sole reason that a man who is robbing the Bears blind can afford a driver. No, it’s not the “police brutality” that we will probably never know the real truth of. But the fact that while he was being “attacked,” he was yelling for his Mother’s help. There is so much wrong with that action. First, why is your mom there anyway? You are in your mid-twenties, filthy rich, with a boat full of women. How weirded out were the girls? “I’m going out on Ced’s boat with Rachel, Alexis and Mrs. Benson.” My other thought behind this was that those girls don’t want to party with a FOOTBALL PLAYER pleading for his MOTHER. Now that he’s out of a job he is going to have a whole lot of time to spend with his momma. God what a girl.