Top Ten goofiest looking Chicago athletes

BY MIKE JACOBSEN

Over a period of just a few, short months, Chicago sports fans have been subjected to an endless amount of buzz and excitement surrounding our beloved franchises. The Bulls and Hawks both made strides in the playoffs, the Bears finally have (gasp) a quarterback, and the Cubs and Sox are still in the hunt.

As I have absorbed the sports media coverage of the past 60 days or so, I realized something...there are some ugly dudes playing pro sports in this town!

In turn, I have compiled a list of the top ten goofiest looking characters that are currently playing professional sports in Chicago.

10. Greg Olsen

I truly respect Olsen as a football player and think that he can and will be a valuable asset to the Chicago Bears organization for many years to come (especially when he learns to block).

Yet, this doesn’t hide the fact that the former member of the U’s very own “7th Floor Crew” looks like a caveman. With his distinctive low brow ridge and overall Homo erectus like features, I don’t know if I should be cheering for him, or if I should be trying to have him save me a bunch of money on my car insurance.

9. Brian Campbell

No “goofiest looking list” would ever be complete without installing at least one ginger into the mix….enter Brian Campbell.

I don’t believe that I am alone in saying that Campbell had a pretty uneventful season and thus far, hasn’t really lived up to his eight year, $56.8 million contract.

8. Patrick Nyarko

Due to their recent success, I have to give the Chicago Fire some much needed love. They are currently 5-1-6 and sit atop the Eastern Conference of the MLS with 21 points.

As I was watching the Fire snatch a victory from Chivas U.S.A. this past Thursday, I noticed Patrick Nyarko, a native of Ghana, on the field and instantly knew he'd be a great addition to this list.

7. Craig Steltz

In my humble opinion, Steltz appears to be an odd combination of Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Kurt Cobain of Nirvana.

It’s not too often that one sees grimy, rather lengthy hair like this on an NFL player. But Steltz apparently feels that the Seattle grunge look works for him.

I’m thinking he should reconsider.

6. Adrian Peterson

Despite a solid college career at Georgia Southern University, Adrian Peterson’s skills as a starting tailback never really translated to the NFL. Fortunately, Peterson has been a pivotal part of our special teams for several years.

His ability to both block and tackle is what makes him an excellent resource for Dave Toub and the rest of the Bears coaching staff.

I love Adrian, but how can you not look at him and think Whoopi Goldberg?

5. Bobby Jenks

Someone needs to inform Jenks that the “grab ass era” that was once established by Nick Swisher and Toby Hall is long gone.

It’s time for him to quit dying that ridiculous goatee of his and grow up. I am aware of the fact that you look like an adult version of Eric Cartman from South Park, but take a razor to that thing already Bobby!

4. Alexei Ramirez

The first word that comes to mind when I see a picture of Alexei Ramirez is antelope.

Yes, I said it….antelope.

I am not sure exactly why, but it’s probably because of Ramirez’s slender frame and caved in face. Seriously, will somebody feed this man a cheeseburger?

Alexei needs to go on the “Bartolo Colon Diet,” and maybe then he will be able to put some meat on those bones.

3. Kirk Hinrich

After turning down the role of Spock in the recently released Star Trek prequel, Kirk admitted that he was still holding out for the starring role in the Keebler Elf biopic.

All jokes aside, I am an advocate of Kirk Hinrich being a part of the Bulls plans heading into the upcoming 2009-10 season. I don’t want to delve into this topic too much (because I could write three pages about this), but his versatility and leadership are something that will be missed once it’s gone.

2. Carlos Marmol

Carlos, Carlos, Carlos……. for whatever reason, MOST Cubs fans still love you to death (except for when you play in the WBC) and continue to put their faith in you.

But let’s face it my man, you aren’t going to be walking down a runway anytime soon.

I don’t know if it’s the Obama ears or what, but more often than not, you seem to leave me with a feeling of uneasiness when you approach the mound these days. Get your control back and throw the ball over the plate, son!

1. Joakim Noah

This is a big surprise, huh?

Yes, I have anointed Joakim Noah (a.k.a. “Sideshow Bob”) the goofiest looking character in Chicago sports, but I think that many Bulls fans would concur that he earned our respect during the Celtics playoff series.

And afterward he could hold his head high knowing that with Brian Scalabrine (a.k.a. Jackie Moon) on the court, he'd look like David Beckham in comparison.