Top 10 New Years Resolutions for Chicago Athletes

Every December, Americans sit back, reflect on the year that was, and promise to make some changes for the 12 months ahead. Some say they’ll quit smoking, others promise more family time, and a few people actually do what they say. Everybody has a New Years Resolution, and here are some suggestions for 10 Chicago sports stars.

10. Bobby Jenks- Eat more fruits and vegetables

One of the most popular resolutions every year for the American public is getting in shape. The 275 lb. (That’s his listed weight) Jenks can agree with that. Hopefully for Sox fans sake, Mrs. Jenks is buying Bobby some Tae Bo DVD’s for Christmas so he can finally trim down a bit.

9. Nathan Vasher- Improve strength and conditioning
On June 29, 2007, the Bears cornerback agreed to a five-year, $28 million contract extension. Since then, he’s missed 18 games due to injury (not counting the final two of this year which he will be out of) and grabbed only two interceptions. Considering Bears fans are tired of watching Corey Grahm getting burned every week, lets hope Vasher can figure out a way to stay healthy in ’09.

8. Alfonso Soriano- Figure out how to catch with your feet on the ground

As a Cub fan, I know what I’m getting out of Soriano at the plate: a lot of home runs, a lot of strikeouts, not too many walks or pitches taken. But could the man please learn how to catch a fly ball like a normal human being? The team is paying him about $18 million a year, and really, it’s not that difficult.

7. Joakim Noah- Learn a post move

Noah has the look of a good NBA power forward. He doesn’t mind contact, he loves to get in the head of opposing players and he never gives up on the play. The only problem is that he appears to have gotten his education at the Shawn Bradley School of Offense. Noah will continue to get (deserved) bench splinters until he expands his scoring abilities.

6. Rex Grossman- Determine what colors the Chicago Bears wear
It doesn’t appear that Rex has a long-term future here in Chicago, but until he departs, this is an important lesson for him. Rex, the Chicago Bears wear navy blue jerseys at home, white ones on the road and orange during the home game before Halloween. These are the players on your team and the ones you should be throwing the ball to. See those 53 men on the other sideline wearing a different color? That’s the other team. Don’t throw to them.

5. Derrek Lee- Make a daily trip to the batting cages
There are certain stats fans expect out of a baseball team’s #3 hitter, such as lots of home runs, a high batting average and a good amount of runs batted in. Grounding into a league-high 27 double plays is not one of those statistics. If DLee, or as some Wrigley faithful call him DP, wants to be a fan favorite for much longer, he is going to have to fix these problems in 2009.

4. Juan Uribe- Discover the exercise bike
Pretty much everybody who like the White Sox doesn’t like Uribe. Maybe it’s because he hit under .255 for the fourth consecutive season or because he is the shape of a bowling ball. But the truth is, at one time, Uribe was a pretty good fielding shortstop. In 2004, he committed only 11 total errors despite playing over 25 games at three different positions. And any Sox fan will quickly remember his ninth inning performance in the WS clincher versus Houston. With the team’s trade of Orlando Cabrera, an in-shape Uribe could play a big role on the 2009 roster.

3. Matt Forte- Hire a better agent (But not Drew Rosenhaus)

Everybody in this city loves the Bears rookie running back, and with good reason. He’s the team’s leading rusher, third-best receiver and the offensive centerpiece for years to come. Yet #22 is not featured on any billboards hanging over the highways, his voice isn’t ever on the radio and outside of his highlights, Forte doesn’t show up on TV. Maybe he is just shy, but if Forte wants some endorsement money, it’s out there for the taking.

2. Andres Nocioni- Get your ass kicked
Remember when Nocioni was the Bulls version of James Posey, the guy who was always mad and just pissed off everybody he guarded? That was, no coincidence, when the team was winning. Now all he does is shoot threes and watch his man run by him on defense. Maybe if somebody roughs him up (I don’t hope for him to get physically hurt, but instead mentally scarred) he’ll go back to his old ways and energize the team again.
1. Devin Hester- Ignore whatever your 2008 resolution was

Two years ago, Hester was the rookie sensation who took the league by storm with his dynamic speed and outstanding vision on kick & punt returns. Last year he added to that legacy and people were saying he was the best return man in football history. This season, he can barely go five yards on a return without turning backwards or cutting to the sideline. It seems like he traded his Usain Bolt-like speed for some Muhsin Muhammad cleats. For everyone’s sake Devin, go back to what you were doing in ’07.