Top Ten terrible Chicago sports things from the weekend

By Zach
This was an awful weekend in Chicago sports. Besides the Hawks, who seem to be irrelevant to most of Chicago, all pertinent teams (not you Chicago Fire) lost in poor fashion. Here are the ten worst things from one of the lamest weekends in recent memory.

10. Orton still hurt

This wasn't really news to anyone, but with the Sex Cannon at the helm, only BAD things could happen, right? I think it’s fair to put all of Chicago’s sports woes from this past weekend on Grossman, don’t you? I mean, he is Rex Grossman. It has to be his fault.

9. Captain Kirk gets clipped

At first you might be like, “this isn’t really that bad. With Kirk out, only good things can happen, right?” But then it hits you. With Hinrich out that means more playing time for Larry “Bricks” Hughes when he gets healthy. That can only lead to very bad things, like Keanu Reeves in, well, anything.

8. Northwestern loses

I’m not sure this really surprised anyone besides Ronnie “Woo Woo” (the man’s crazy), but it confirmed how big the gap is between OSU and maybe Penn State and the rest of the Big Ten. NU is having its best season in a decade and yet they still can’t compete with the big boys.

7. Jimmy Clausen

Either Jimmy couldn't read safety help or just said, “eff it” and threw the ball into double coverage for four interceptions. Instead of being the reason for the Irish success, he single handedly lost the game for the once proud program. If I was Woody Paige I would say something like, “those locks don’t look so golden anymore.” But I’m not horrible at my job, so I wont.

6. This picture of Ron Zook

5. Domers downed

The Irish did not look as bad as the 0-17 score would suggest, but Clausen’s turnovers were too much to overcome. ND was looking for a statement win, but were embarrassed yet again. The worst part of all this will be the hackneyed headlines like “Weiss Watch” or “Domers Downed”.

4. Bears passing defense

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Titans are good, but come on. How can any defense, let alone the “feared” Bears defense, allow Kerry “EFFing” Collins to throw for 289 yards, 2 TD and allow a 108.7 passer rating? You know how many TD Collins had before Sunday? THREE! Something needs to change, anything. May I suggest firing the person with the name that rhymes with Bob Babich.

3. The Illini lose to a MAC school

Three weeks ago I said that Illinois' season could only be a viewed as a disappointment. Now I think we can officially change that status to EPIC FAIL. What happened to the offense? They looked Texas Tech-ian. Where’s the Zook-iness? Maybe Western Michigan is just that good. No, you’re right, it’s definitely not that.

2. LeBron Jordan’s Bulls

So the Bulls were beating the Cavs going into the fourth quarter. Then LeBron James did his best Michael Jordan, putting up 41 and leading the Cavs to a 106-97 victory. Meh. LBJ is basically unstoppable going to the rim, a la Jordan when he was young or like the fade away when he got older. The Bulls are just not talented enough to stop him or any good team and it showed Saturday.

1. Bears lose to Kerry Collins

I think that pretty much sums it up.